


kairos

by shanqi



Category: Scorpion (TV 2014)
Genre: Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-18 17:21:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9395483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shanqi/pseuds/shanqi
Summary: A series of short pieces inspired by various moments throughout the seasons. What I imagine (or would like to think) is going on inside these character's heads.





	1. Textbook Defence Mechanism

**Author's Note:**

> kairos ~ Ancient Greek for "proper time" or "opportune moment".

She is already a little disorientated from the pain and long walk through this Bosnian forest, so she doesn’t blame herself when her heart thumps faster as the Doc removes her boot. The pause in conversation bothers her, and she cuts through the silence with a jest. His professionalism in return sparks her curiosity, and he tells her, for the first time, about his family, his reasons behind his decision to study psychiatry and his failure to save his parents. His honesty gives her pause to realise that he is a decent guy beneath the facade, but it’s short-lived as he quickly covers his vulnerability with an inappropriate comment.

_“Why do you do that? As soon as you become human, you switch to wise ass.”_

_“Textbook defence mechanism to hide how I feel, especially around you. You're so smart and capable and fun, and that personality happens to be wrapped in a nice little package. So I say stupid things to hide feelings that you already know that I have.”_

He explains it almost as if he was analysing the behaviour of someone else, and not himself. As much as she wants to deny it, Happy knows exactly what he’s talking about, and he’d see right through her if she tried to pretend otherwise. She may not know how to deal with emotions, but she isn’t blind to them. She knows he likes her, he makes it obvious enough, and judging by the knot in her stomach, she’s not entirely immune either. But, to her, taking the risk of letting him in is unthinkable.

She’s had a long history of being abandoned by people who she was supposed to trust and of being disappointed by families who she’d dared to hope would stick. As a consequence, she’s had many years to build up her defences, hiding away the most vulnerable parts of herself and making sure that she had complete control over who was allowed into her life. It isn’t easy to let that all down. And it’s not easy to push back the doubts that surface regarding her ability to maintain any relationships.

So, knowing that denial is futile, she avoids having that conversation.

_“Are you done?”_

She’s relieved when he starts to psychoanalyse her because it means they don’t need to discuss her feelings. For a split second, there’s a sliver of regret, and she lets herself wonder “what if”. What if she had let this conversation continue? What if she had acted on the fluttering of her heart? What if she could let down her walls and accept his love for her? She lets her brain run unrestrained. She imagines being able to lean on Toby when she’s tired of being strong for the rest of their team. She sees their wedding, their vows, their promises to be there for each other “in sickness and in health”. She envisions being truly happy, bringing up children in an ordinary family while Toby grows old with her.

The realist in her quickly resurfaces, and she bats away these fantasies. They’re not normal and any relationship they might pursue would be far from problem-free. Instead, she turns her attention back to fixing the problem at hand, something she’s always good at doing. Noticing a cabin in the distance, she points it out, and they keep moving forward, leaving her fantasies of normality behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1x10: Talismans.
> 
> I recently discovered Scorpion and marathoned all two and a half seasons in about a week. These are Quintis moments that stuck in my head, so I'm going back through them.


	2. Self-Sabotage

Happy is angry, partly at Toby but mostly at herself. She keeps replaying the events of the previous night in her head. The time she spent preparing, dressing up for him and then the long hours sitting alone, humiliated. She berates and mentally kicks herself every time she remembers how much she had wanted him to show up, so much that she had even allowed herself to have hope that their relationship could work. There’s a twisted knot of humiliation in her stomach when she remembers sitting alone, staring at his empty seat. She should never have taken the dive. Nothing good comes out of allowing herself hope.

She stares out at the road, fuming silently while Maya recites numbers for Sly to record in a digital diary. She determinedly continues her staring match with the asphalt road when Toby takes a seat next to her and offers to tell her a story. Happy knows what’s about to happen. She doesn’t want to hear his excuses. There isn’t anything he could say that can change her mind.

_"When your mum is bipolar, and your dad is so passive that he sometimes doesn't talk to his son for weeks on end, not because he's mad at you but because he forgets you're there, you grow up with nothing good. And you begin to think you deserve nothing good. So, when something good is right in front of you, or next to you, you self-sabotage because you wouldn't know what to do with something good if you had it."_

Maybe it’s the matter-of-fact tone that he’s using or maybe it’s because Happy was never really mad at him, but it pains her a little to hear this. She knows he is a decent guy, despite his many many flaws, and he shouldn’t feel like he doesn’t deserve happiness. No one should be allowed to believe that they don’t have the right to good things in life. Happy was abandoned as a child, and she chose not to trust anyone with her emotions again, but she never gave up the idea that she had the right to live a good life.

His apology is heartfelt, she can tell, and she forgives him. It’s not all on him. She should have been smart enough to realise he would be unreliable. She should have expected this. There’s no forgiving her stupidity. Happy cringes inside when she thinks again of the effort she made for their date and vows out loud that she will never wear perfume again. They can both see the conversation heading towards a crossroads, so Happy takes the safe route.

_“Last night saved us a year of nonsense that would’ve resulted in us not being friends. It’s better this way.”_

As she says this, she nods to herself, trying to convince herself that this is the best way forward. She’s uncomfortably aware that there’s a part of her that hopes he won’t agree and that he will keep fighting for them. And she’s not disappointed because he pleads with her to reconsider and she allows herself a moment to be thankful for his persistence. She allows herself a moment of internal war to decide whether to give them another chance or to stand strong on going back to normal. That moment doesn’t last long, though, and she’s saved from any further discussion on the matter by the very real problem of an out-of-control RV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1x20: Crossroads.


	3. Shields

It hadn’t been a great day for Toby, having to face the jerk who stole his ex-fiancee from him, but he surmised it probably wasn’t the best experience for Happy either. Judging from the usual annoyed expression on her face, further exaggerated by the contrasting girly pink hoodie she’d been forced into to infiltrate Pi Upsilon. Nevertheless, they all managed to accomplish their tasks, and the team is disbanding to go home after another long day. He’s a little surprised when Happy volunteer to take him in her truck. He’s sure it doesn’t mean anything. They’re just friends. They’ve mended their issues over the past year and have gotten closer again, but they’re still just friends. He’s not sure Happy has completely forgotten - or forgiven - their last attempt at a relationship, a failed one from Happy’s point of view.

He hesitates for a moment when she switches on the truck, headlights and radio and “You are the man” streams out to where he stands. His mind runs at a hundred miles per hour, going through everything that this could mean. Is she finally willing to give him another shot at being part of her life? How come he didn’t pick up any signs from her? Does this equate to an admission of love? What should he do? He is frozen to the spot, unable to do anything more than watching her with his eyes. He forces himself to slow down when she explains that they’re going to do one of the things he wanted to achieve during his day back at college.

_“We’re going streaking?”_

He grins cheekily, knowing full well that she can probably see right through his intentions.

_“The dance, dummy.”_

Her casual insult makes his grin widen. He lets her approach and initiate contact. His brain seems to have stopped functioning, and all he can focus on is her small hand in his. He notices how cold it is, probably thanks to the oversized hoodie and short skirt she’s had to wear all day, and squeezes it tighter. He doesn’t know what to think, so he just accepts it and they sway silently to the music. It never fails to amaze him how petite she is, despite the strength that she displays on a daily basis.

He spins her around, and she comes back to him, drawing closer and resting her head on his chest. His mind blanks, and he stiffens. Toby can’t help noticing that the top of her head is centimetres away from his lips and the urge to bridge the gap is overwhelming. He knows it’s inappropriate at this moment, though, and he doesn’t want to do anything to sabotage the progress they appeared to be making. Instead, he occupies his mouth with words.

_“What are you doing?”_

They keep moving to the music as she contemplates an answer.

_“Letting down my shield.”_

It’s surprising and somewhat cryptic, but Toby accepts it. He surmises that someone must have said something to her that day, while they were all busy with their respective pretences. Whoever it was and whatever they said, he’s grateful that they got through to Happy, past her cold exterior.

They continue to dance, her head on his chest and his lips ghosting over the top of her head, until the end of the song. Happy pulls away slowly, feigning tiredness and suggesting they head back home. Toby could have stayed there forever, but he doesn’t complain, content that he’d been given this moment with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x11: The Old College Try.
> 
> "Have you ever gotten homesick? Wouldn't it be nice to have a surrogate family?"  
> "I've thought about it from time to time."  
> "Well, you can't truly have one until you lower that shield of yours."


	4. Lucky

It feels a little surreal. It’s so cold that Happy has stopped feeling it and it’s hard to stay conscious. She's lost complete control of her body. She tries to respond when she hears the Doc's voice, begging her to stay alive but she doesn’t have the strength to open her eyes or even breathe. She feels so powerless. It’s so frustrating, she would scream, but she can’t do that either.

She can’t struggle when he drags her into a sleeping bag with him, and there’s no resistance, physical or otherwise when he removes her clothes. Somewhere in the fuzzy mess of her brain, she knows that a conscious Happy Quinn wouldn’t be caught dead in this situation. For a split-second, when their skin makes contact, she is pulled back into her body, nd his warmth feels like it’s burning into her. It’s not enough, though, and she returns to drifting in and out of consciousness.

There’s an almost frightening calm inside. She feels content to stay here forever. She’s tired, but then her mind is surprised by the realisation that she trusts this man. She’s more than willing to let him hold her, naked, indefinitely. “Indefinitely. That’s a strange concept.” She finds herself saying, thinking in circles about “time” before she’s pulled back to the reality of their impending death by the niggling concern that time feels like it has stopped or completely vanished. As she’s reacquainting herself with the reality of their situation, she manages to pull back into consciousness enough to hear him whispering in her ear.

_“We're not gonna make it.”_

“No,” she wants to yell. “No. We’re going to make it.” She focuses her mind on parting her lips, to no avail. “Walt will find us,” she wants to say. She wishes she could just move the tip of her tongue. “No,” she’s content now just to whisper if only she could find the strength to pass air through her vocal chords. “No.”

_“I’m with you. I never thought I'd be so lucky to go out like this.”_

It’s almost like he’s saying goodbye. And the idiot still thinks that he doesn’t deserve her. She wants to fight because she has just realised how much he meant to her. She wants control over her body. She wants to be able to tell him that he’s wrong - she’s the one who doesn’t deserve his love, after shutting him down so many times. She wants him to know that he is important to her and that she should have given them another chance. She wants to thank him for not being able to give up on her, even when he tried so hard. Above all, she wants to just get out of this alive so that she can have the time to show him exactly how grateful she is for his presence in her life.

At this point, Happy is almost glad that she’s lost control over her body because its hurts so much she could cry. An ache in her chest where her heart should be. The fading, objective part of her brain pauses and recognises how strange it is that she can still feel pain. She’s lost the ability to move her body, and she’s numb to almost all her senses, but there’s still this ache in her heart when he speaks.

When she regains consciousness, she’s again grateful that she still doesn’t have much strength to move. She doesn’t think she could live with the humiliation of Walter and Cabe witnessing her crying into Toby’s shoulder as they lay in each other’s arms. That was just something she had to save for later, away from the eyes of the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x13: White Out.


	5. Biggest Gamble

Toby had high spirits from the success of their team that day and wasn’t expecting the sudden change of mood from Happy. The joy and smart-ass remarks are drained from him the moment she turns around, and he's hit by the gravity of the situation. He prides himself on his ability to read people, but it terrifies him now when he immediately picks up on the slight waver in her voice, uncomfortably aware of the tears in her eyes.

_“Listen, Stupid …”_

He should have seen this coming. He knew that Happy hadn’t been completely overjoyed during their mission that day and he’d subconsciously overcompensated by being extra arrogant about his gambling expertise. He realises, too late, that he should have paid a little more attention to trying to figure out what had been bothering her all day. Now, he can’t do anything but sit through the hurricane of emotions fighting for dominance in his mind as Happy continues her tirade about his gambling habits. The psychiatrist in him is always first to surface, a distancing mechanism to keep his vulnerable self from engaging in the battlefield. Dr Curtis rapidly notes and keeps a record of all the underlying fears that Happy is sharing, welling up with pride that she’s found the courage to express them so clearly. The doc is professional and, unfortunately, good at his job, so he quickly runs out of things to analyse and is forced down by the insecure Toby Curtis.

Toby is torn by the fact that he’s the reason she’s on the verge of tears. He’d done it again. He was letting his insecure subconscious sabotage their otherwise perfect relationship. He’d let his fears control his actions instead of stopping to deal with the possibility that the love of his life was upset by his behaviour that day. Now, his heart is broken by the quiver of her voice and those beautiful eyes brimming with tears. His heart aches with every word when he sees how scared she is, possibly even as afraid as he is, that she’ll trust and fall for him just to be abandoned and disappointed in the end.

“Stupid”, his arrogant jerk persona, is given a fleeting moment to rear his head again when the triumph of Happy’s reaction to the problem. The old Happy would have run at the slightest notion of their relationship falling apart and built her walls around her. The old Happy would have left him broken without any hint of an explanation. This Happy - his Happy - was willing to confide her fears in him and give him the chance to find a solution. That gave him cause enough to do a little victory dance in his mind.

_“I cannot have the rug pulled out from under me again.”_

However, above all the chatter in his mind, there’s one dominating thought that all his personalities share. “I can’t lose her.”

He’s blindingly aware that she is everything he ever wanted. Toby is constantly in awe of the strength that such a small frame can encompass and struck by the genius working behind such a beautiful facade. He wants to tell her every day how much he loves her. Some days Toby feels like yelling it at the top of his lungs for the whole world to hear. But this is Happy Quinn they’re talking about, and he’s sure she’s not yet ready for such public declarations of affection, so he opts for smaller gestures. And sometimes she’ll reciprocate.

He knows what he has to do if he wants her to stay with him. He can be a stubborn jackass at times, but he can see that his gambling problem is bothering her and he’s prepared to do anything to make her feel secure again.

Toby looks into her fear-filled eyes as he burns his betting tickets and knows that this spiel was Happy’s way of telling him how much he means to her. She has just let him know, in no uncertain terms, how much it would hurt if he disappeared on her. That’s nothing short of an admission that he has become an important person in her life, someone she thinks will give her a future of happiness. The idea that she’s included him in her dreams for the future is the tipping point, and he can’t help the smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

She doubts if he can change and he reassures her he doesn’t need to.

_“I’m gambling that a skinny, moderately good look pain-in-the-neck like me can land someone like you. It’s the biggest gamble of my life.”_

As she lets him wrap his arms around her tiny frame, Toby thanks his lucky stars for the hundredth time that day. He’s so fortunate to have her by his side and in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2x18: The fast & the nerdiest.
> 
> When Happy said "You heard Cabe, people don't change," I like to think that there's a part of her that doesn't want him to change - this is exactly how she likes him, despite how much it scares her.


End file.
